Lindsay emailed me today and told me that I am putting too much time and energy in to The Scott Emo Show and that I am missing out on the process of her being pregnant. Think about that shit for a second, from my wife's perspective she feels like I am not present for the development process of our baby. How do you think that would make one feel? I obviously felt like poop, but the truth is raw and can really hurt. And, the most fucked up part, is that I agree with her. I am more focused on the show that I forget (not intentionally) that I have a personal life. I have such a deep passion for the show that sometimes I get tunnel vision and forget about my loved one's.
I didn't respond back to her email right away because I knew it would be more productive to have an in person conversation about what is going on in my head and what is going on in her head. I have a hard time balancing my personal life and the show, my wife feels that and doesn't like it, hence the email.
As part of my daily routine, I pick her up from work and I knew we had to discuss her email, which I knew would be uncomfortable, but I am so sick of bullshitting and avoiding the way I feel that I knew the conversation had to happen. I definitely get caught up in the show and I certainly neglect my home life because I am grinding hard to make the show exactly what I want it to be.
From the tim I picked her up from work to the moment we got home and a hour plus of conversation at home, we realized that my head is in not in the game - the home life game. I am not ready to chill out because I gravitate to the show. I chose the show not over my family, but I chose the show rather than to relax and strike a balance between home and the show. This is difficult to make sense of right now, but I am still working through this process.
I grew up programed that work is what we do - whether it's a distraction or a passion, it's hard to find a balance between chilling out with my wife and not closing my computer so I can continue doing what needs to happen to make the show work. This is what my family is about and has been for my entire life - I have to reprogram my thought process.
So, there is no solution right now besides the fact that I acknowledge I am not ready to balance my life because the show is occupying my brain, but I would like to change and find a balance. I am in charge of these decisions, but my decision is to focus on the show and to work harder on spending more time at home with my misses. I will take this day-by-day and put in more effort than I have before.
We all have a choice to have a work/life balance, but this shit is a practice like anything else. I guess it's practicing to relax and be present and in the moment. Sometimes we all need a good kick in the ass (gently) and to be reminded of what's important in life.